It's A Small World
by karala13
Summary: Harry learns that he is not only related to just about everybody he knows, but also to everyone that lived 100 years ago...at the Moulin Rouge
1. Reunion

"Sir," Harry said as Dumbledore looked up from his writing.

"Why hello, Harry," Dumbledore replied. "What brings you to my office?"

"Well it's just that-" Harry looked into Dumbledore's twinkling eyes. Then he took a deep breath. "I'm tired of owls," Harry finished.

"Ah, I understand completely, Harry," Dumbledore said.

"You do?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"You wish to be surrounded by a family," he said.

"Well, yes, sir," Harry said. "How did you know?" Dumbledore just smiled.

"I think you'll find that they're closer than you know."

"What are you-"

"Might I suggest a family reunion," Dumbledore interrupted.

"Oh yeah, wouldn't that be great." Harry rolled his eyes. "A fun afternoon at the park with the Dursleys. Just what I need."

"Harry," said Dumbledore, "did I ever tell you that I'm your great great grandfather?" Harry was shocked.

"No, sir, you didn't." Dumbledore smiled again.

"Do you have your wand?" he asked

"Of course," Harry said, pulling it out. Dumbledore shook his head.

"Harry, Harry, Harry, didn't anyone ever tell you not to keep your wand in your back pocket?" Harry said nothing. He chose not to tell Dumbledore about the time a few years back when his right buttocks exploded. "Send up rainbow sparks," Dumbledore advised. "If you send them, they will come."

"And that's it then?" asked Harry.

"As long as you provide the food," Dumbledore added. "Now, off you go. I shall see you soon." Harry left, not sure Dumbledore really knew what he was talking about. Harry had, after all, always considered him to be a bit mad.

Harry took no time in locating a nice spot for a picnic not far from his flat. He reached a dilemma, however, when it came to conjuring up some food.

_How much will I need?_ Harry wondered, for there surely couldn't be that many people. _I think a few pumpkin pasties should do it_, he thought, _and maybe a mug or two of butterbeer. _After that he held his wand high in the air, and, closing his eyes, sent up rainbow sparks, just as Dumbledore had said. He opened his eyes just in time to see the sparks fly out as far as he could see in all directions and then fall slowly to the ground.

In no time at all, people began to arrive. Person after person after person until just about everyone Harry knew was standing around him.

"Oh no," said Harry, 'this isn't going to be one of those things where I find out I have no really family, but tons of friends who love and care about me, is it?" Everyone laughed.

"Harry," said a voice from behind the group, "do you really think _I_ 'love and care about you?" The owner of the voice stepped out in front.

"Voldemort," Harry said, "I'm related to-you?"

"Why of course, Harry," said Voldemort, "I'm your grandfather." Harry stared at him in disbelief. Voldemort turned towards Dumbledore. "Shall I begin the story then?" he asked. Dumbledore nodded. "Alright then," he said, clearing his throat. "It all began long ago with a man named Harold. He and a woman by the name of Marie lived in the village of Montmarte, on a hill near Paris. Both worked at a well know nightclub called the Moulin Rouge. It was a muggle spot of gathering, or so it seemed. Harold was the owner, and Marie, well, she just worked there. The two gave birth to someone by the name of Satine. A courtesan, she sold her love to men. They called her "The Sparkling Diamond" and she was the star of the Moulin Rouge. She was in love with a man named Christian, but we'll get to that later. Some time before, she met Tom Riddle. I believe you've heard of him." Harry nodded. "Well my father, Tom, he was greatly infatuated with Satine. He was a musician and was always trying to woo he with his bohemian ways. He even adopted the nickname "Satie," which he thought to be the masculine form of "Satine."

"So-he changed his name to match Satine's?" Harry asked.

"Yes," said Voldemort, "he was a weird one, my father. So anway, he eventually offered Satine a fairly large sum of money if she would sleep with him. She couldn't very well turn it down so she accepted. She then discovered that Satie was incredibly good in bed. So to his delight, Satine asked if they could do it again. So they slept together a couple of times and Satine got pregnant. They hadn't been using protection. They had a son who was also called Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle."

"You," Harry said.

'Yes," said Voldemort quietly, "it was me." He turned again towards Dumbledore. "Albus," he said, "would you care to take over? This is a soft topic for me."

"Certainly, Tom," Dumbledore nodded. "While Tom was at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said to Harry, "he met a girl a few years younger than him. Her name was Myrtle. Tom and Myrtle soon became very good friends. So good, in fact, that in the middle of Myrtle's third year at Hogwarts, she and Tom had two babies. Twins. Now Tom here wasn't quite ready to take on the responsibilities of being a father, especially at such a young age. So he denied being the father. Myrtle certainly did not want to raise them on her own so she wouldn't let Tom go. Tom got extremely mad and told everyone at Hogwarts that Myrtle was muggle born, even though she was really a pureblood. This was also the year that Tom opened the Chamber of Secrets, but Myrtle didn't know about that. That is, until the basilisk killed Myrtle. You see, Tom always has been a violent creature. He couldn't stand Myrtle any longer so unleashed the basilisk and had Myrtle killed. I do wonder from time to time whether Tom ever regrets his decision." He looked uncertainly at Voldemort, who altogether avoided Dumbledore's gaze. "Now," Dumbledore continued, "I expect you're wondering who the twins were." Harry nodded. "They were-" he looked at Sirius Black who had, until now remained silent. "Would you like to tell him?"

"They were your father and I," Sirius said. Harry gasped.

"You were-"

"Yes, Harry. We were brothers."

"And you're my-" Harry said to Voldemort. "And Moaning Myrtle-she's-"

"It's _Myrtle_, said a familiar voice. Just _Myrtle._" Harry spun around.

"Oh-I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't realize you were-here."

'Yeah, go ahead, talk about me when you think I'm not listening. It wouldn't be the first time." She glared at Hermione.

"I'm sorry, Myrtle," Hermione said. "Shall we get on with the story?"

"I'll give it a go," said Lupin. "James and Sirius may have been Voldemort's first two children. But they weren't his last. A while after leaving Hogwarts, he met an older woman named Nini. She fascinated him with stories of when she was younger and how she had been a can-can dancer at the Moulin Rouge. It wasn't long before Voldemort fell head-over-heels in love with her. When he expressed this, Nini confessed that she did not share in this love, but agreed to sleep with him to make up for it. Voldemort agreed reluctantly. He may not always do the right thing but he's a strong believer that two people should only have sex if they really love each other. he told this to Nini and she said she did things like this all the time and she didn't mind one bit. That didn't exactly make Voldemort feel better but they slept together anyway. That was when Nini discovered the Voldemort was an absolute animal in bed. She begged him to sleep with her again. Voldemort, thinking it was because she had decided she loved him, agreed, this time wholeheartedly. It wasn't long before they were having sex as much as possible. That is, until Nini discovered she was pregnant." Harry wondered how exactly Lupin knew all this. He always noted that this story seemed remotely similar to the story of Voldemort and Myrtle, and wondered exactly how many people Voldemort had slept with.

After taking a breath, Lupin continued. "Voldemort was considerably more enthusiastic about this pregnancy. He was ready to get on with his life and besides, he was convinced that he was so in love with Nini and she loved him the same. So he planned to help Nini raise the baby. This time it was a girl. They named her Petunia."

"Petunia?" Harry said. "That's…interesting."

"Indeed," said Lupin, "But they didn't stop there. It was barely a year after Petunia had been born that Nini had another baby. Or rather, two babies. Another set of twins."

"More twins!" Harry exclaimed. "Boy, Voldemort. When you do it, you _really_ do it." Voldemort was not amused. Lupin, however, let out a laugh.

"He certainly does," Lupin said. "Anyway, these twins were named Lily and Lu-"

"Lily!" Harry interrupted. "No! It can't be! That would mean that my mum and dad are half-siblings."

"Right you are, Harry," chimed in Lockhart. "Our parents are closely related."

"Our?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Harry. You see, you aren't the only child of Lily and James Potter. They had a first. The first was me. Unfortunately I proved a disappointment to them so was put up for adoption. That's not the only reason, of course, but I'll touch on that later. You were saying, Lupin?"

"Ah, right, I was the other twin."

"You?" said Harry in surprise.

"You always were a talkative lad, Harry," said Voldemort. "Can't you keep your remarks to yourself for _two minutes?_"

"Sorry," Harry muttered.

"It all went downhill from here," Lupin continued darkly. "Things turned bad. Very bad. Volde-er-Dad? Would you do the honors of continuing? The next part's a little fuzzy." Harry stared in bewilderment. Never had he heard Lupin, let alone anyone, refer to Voldemort as "Dad".

"Very well," Voldemort sighed. "Nini essentially did not want three children. Her behavior was similar to mine upon receiving my first child. Older she may have been, but she was all about living on the edge. She wanted nothing tying her down. And that included me.

'It's been fun,' she said, 'but I can't do this anymore. Goodbye, Tom.' And then I never saw, nor heard from her again. That was when I decided that I'd had enough with relationships. Enough with love.""

"It's your own fault," someone said. "It's like I always said. Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends BAD." Everyone looked around to see who had said that. They discovered that it had come from a man sitting by Hermione. Harry had only seen this man once, and it had been very briefly. It was Hermione's father.

"Right," said Voldemort, "well, it was then that I decided I would never have anything to do with love ever again."

"But a life without love, that's terrible!" Harry practically shouted, and to his surprise, Dumbledore chuckled.

"Oh, Harry," he said, "so like your great grandfather, you are.

"Uh, okay," Harry said.

"Well," said Dumbledore, "this seems like the perfect time for a break. What do you say we stop the stories for a short while and I'll get us some real food," he looked at Harry. There was a murmur of yeses, so Dumbledore waved his wand and a huge spread of delicious looking food appeared before them. Harry heard his stomach growl, signaling that it was, indeed, time for a break.


	2. Tom's Mistake

The group returned to the spots they had been sitting in with their stomachs considerably fuller than before.

"Now," said Dumbledore, "who would like to continue the story?"

"Hmmm," Lupin said, "why don't we tell Harry here more about his brother."

"Allow me, Remus," Lockhart said. "Harry," he smiled, "how wonderful it must be for you to find out that your related so closely to none other than-me. Tell me you don't love this discovery."

"Uh, it's great," said Harry. "Terrific.'

"You see Harry, after Lily and James put me up for adoption, I was put under the care of a very old English Duke. And that's exactly what I called him. What everyone called him. Duke. He was like a father to me. I have a picture of him, here, would you care to see?" Then, not waiting for Harry's reply, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small photograph of a smiling, blonde man with a rather interesting mustache. He did not look old, as Lockhart had said. Lockhart seemed to know what Harry was thinking because he said, "That's not him while I was under his care. This photograph is from, oh, at least fifty years ago." Harry looked again at the picture. Seeing past the mustache, he noted that the Duke and Lockhart looked remarkably similar.

"Wow," said Harry, "he-looks just like you." Lockhart frowned, looking at the picture.

"Does he, now? I was always under the impression that I was much more-er-attractive than he."

"Well you know that they say, Gilderoy," Mcgonagall piped up for the first time. "Dogs tend to look like their owners. Maybe the same goes with adopted children." Everyone laughed.

"Yes well," Lockhart said, when the laughter had died down. But he was interrupted.

"It just so happens," said Lucius Malfoy coolly, "that some of us are _real_ relatives of the Duke."

"Who?" Harry asked. And then out of the corner of his eye he caught Draco Malfoy rolling his eyes.

"Me," Draco said proudly, "and my father."

"That's right, Draco," said Lucius, and then to Harry said, "The Duke just so happens to be my _real_ father." He again stressed the word "real" as if he wanted to make it clear that Lockhart was merely his adopted son.

"Wow," Harry breathed, "how old _are_ you?" Lucius raised his eyebrows.

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry," Harry said, "it's just-wasn't this Duke character alive like a hundred years ago?"

"Yes," Lucius said. "So?"

"So," Harry began, "wouldn't that make you like­-" He closed his eyes, trying to do the math.

"That's quite enough," Dumbledore said quickly, not wanting a fight to break out at what was supposed to be a jolly event. "Why don't I finish up this bit of the tale, hmm?" No one protested. Dumbledore pushed his half-moon spectacles up his nose slightly before beginning

"I suppose I should tell you who Lucius's mother was. It was a lady-also a can-can dancer, who was know as Môme Fromage." Harry spat out the butterbeer he had just taken a sip of.

"HA!" he said. "What kind of name is _that_?" Lucius sttod up and was making his way towards Harry, his wand raised.

"Potter, you little no good-" but Dumbledore too stood up and rushed to stand in between them.

"Harry, Lucius," he said, "that will be quite _enough_." Then, as though nothing had happened, he sat back down and continued talking. "You see, she and the other dancers had a little contest going, when they were all fairly old. They were all trying to be the first to get the Duke in bed with them. It just so happens that Môme Fromage won this little contest. Don't ask how, for I do not know all the details. All I know is that a few weeks later, she announced that she was pregnant. It was not long before Lucius was born.

"Hem hem," said a voice, and Harry did not have to look to know that it was Dolores Umbridge.

"Oh no," said Harry. "Don't tell me _you're_ related to me as well."

"Well, see, I'm not," Umbridge confessed.

"You're-not?" Harry said, confused. "Then what are you doing here?"

"I-uh-" Umbridge blushed. "Okay, okay. I came for the food. But I can assure you that everyone else here is related to you. And not only that, but I myself feel very fortunate not to be related to such a pathetic excuse for a wizard."

"Right," said Harry. "That's very uh-comforting." McGonagall sighed, just then.

"Will you _please_ be getting on with whatever it is you have to say?" she said impatiently. Umbridge never had, as Harry recalled, been McGonagall's favorite person.

"I only wanted to point out," Umbridge began sweetly, "that perhaps you should finish the story the of Remus and Harry's mum before you get him all confused with this other nonsence."

"Wow," McGonagall said. "For once in her life, Umbridge may have suggested a good idea."

"Yes, perhaps you're right," said Dumbledore. "I think that's a most excellent idea, Dolores." Umbridge flashed her wide toad-like smile. Dumbledore nodded at Voldemort, telling him he should continue.

"Right," said Voldemort. "Well them-erm-where was I?"

"You were telling us how you never wanted to have anything to do with love again," Harry said eagerly.

"Ah, yes, well then, let's see. After Nini left, I still had the problem of having two little children to deal with. The thought of having to take care of them night and day for eleven years absolutely terrified me. But I managed. For a while, at least. It was when they were eight that I felt I could not take it anymore. I noticed that they were not only abnormally smart for their age, but also could have passed for a few years older than they were. And then-DAMNIT-" he smacked his forehead. "I forgot to tell you two things."

"You're the worst storyteller ever," said Lupin, shaking his head.

"He's right," spoke up Dumbledore. "Perhaps you should let someone else take over, Tom. And _perhaps_ you should watch you're language. There are-" he glanced at Harry "children in the room." Harry stood up, his face turning red.

"I AM NOT A CHILD," he bellowed. "I AM A TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD MAN. IF YOU LOT ARE GOING TO ACT THAT WAY THEN I'M LEAV-"

"Harry, Harry, please calm down," Dumbledore said calmly. "I only said that because you have been acting like a child for a good part of this reunion. I would have thought that since you're the one who wanted this in the first place you would have acted a bit more-"

"You're right," said Harry, taking a deep breath and sitting down. "You're right. I'm sorry. Go on." Dumbledore smiled.

"Alright, well, who would like to go on?"

"Actually, Albus," spoke up Lucius, "I think it would be a good idea to take another break to-" he glared at Harry "give Potter a chance to cool down. Not all of us have quite the ability to keep our emotions inside of us and I think it would be best if Potter did not interrupt us again with another outburst." Dumbledore did not appear to agree but seemed to think that Lucius wouldn't give in to anything else and reluctantly said,

"Alright, Lucius."


End file.
